Dear Obsessmuch

Dear Obsessmuch,

Tis the season for the family groupchat to trigger me into winter hibernation. The backstory is that I come from a large family whose tradition is to travel back to our childhood home for Thanksgiving. My 6 siblings and I have all moved out of state and have very diverse adult lifestyles and values. Our parents are outwardly supportive of our divergent paths, but something always hits the fan at Thanksgiving. We spend so much time and money traveling home only for multiple family members to leave gravely offended and vowing never to return. Mom and Dad aren’t getting any younger and we all have sworn that this year will be the year everyone gets along. How do I ensure that Thanksgiving is a safe space for the Atheists, furries, vegans, Democrats, Mormons, Marines, doomsday preppers, fitness influencers and gentle parenting enthusiasts in our jumble of a family tree?

Sincerely,

It’s Not Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Dear Sunny,

Before I dole out any wizened words, may I just say that you come from an extraordinary family. My blackened heart is toasty warm thinking about the seven (SEVEN) of you kids and your significant others and kids braving planes, trains and automobiles traveling home every Thanksgiving. Your parents either did something really right or they trauma bonded you. Just kidding.

Okay, onto the advice. I know I am beating a dead horse if I say boundaries again, so I will say "ground rules" instead. You and your siblings are going to have a separate groupchat where you plan a successful Thanksgiving by clearly creating your list of rules.

Suggested rules will include:

1. No discussion of the election. Actually no discussion of Politics or Religion.

2. Dietary restrictions will be honored but if you need accommodations, you will bring/prepare those safe items.

3. No discussion of sexuality or gender expression. Grandma and Grandpa's bathrooms are free for everyone to pee. No discussion needed. If someone has chosen a name or pronouns these will be honored without question or discussion. Nobody wants to hear who tops, bottoms, doms or pegs over Aunt Hattie's creamed corn soufflé. If there are little ears present you can't go there anyway.

4. No discussion of physical appearance. This one may sound ridiculous, but commenting on something you notice about another touches upon religion, politics, diet, sexuality and gender expression. Your niece does not want adults asking her why she wears a tail, your brother's life partner is well aware that she has a septum ring and a neck tat and if Connor wants to wear a dress for the first time in public they don't need your comment to make them feel any way about it. An "I've missed you so much, beautiful. It's so great to see you, " followed by a hug does wonders.

5. Moderate alcohol (or other illicit substance) consumption so that the jovial atmosphere doesn't turn and the adults can hold themselves accountable for what they say.

Now one of you blessed adult children (might I suggest the oldest daughter since she was likely parentified early) needs to make a phone call to mom and dad. This call is for the sole purpose of outlining the rules. If she emphasizes how exciting these visits are and how she hopes they can continue in the future, the rules can sound less like a list of demands. Mom and Dad are likely so happy that they get to see everyone each Thanksgiving that they can create a celebratory space. And the infighting that has occurred in the past is likely the result of siblings triggering one another, spouses and significant others getting defensive and offspring being surly.

Try to enjoy and if all else fails, you can create your own local Friendsgiving.